Preaching on Domestic Violence in October 2009

                                                            Charles W. Dahm, O.P.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Domestic violence is a major justice and peace issue for our communities of faith.

The following are some introductions for homilies on some Sundays in October, 2009 followed by ideas for the body of the homily. The homily can be shortened.

Oct 11: Jesus and the Rich Young Man

The rich young man asks Jesus what he must do to gain eternal life. Jesus responds that he must live according to the commandments.  When the man claims to be fulfilling them already, Jesus challenges him to go further: “Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor and then come, follow me.”  Once again, Jesus connects our salvation to compassion for the poor.  It is not enough for Jesus that we faithful to religious practices; rather we must respond with compassion to those who suffer: the poor, the sick, the imprisoned, refugees, and the oppressed.

October is Domestic Violence Prevention Month and so today we speak about victims of domestic violence and how we as followers of Jesus and members of his church must respond to them.

Oct 18:  Isaiah and Jesus

In the first reading, Isaiah speaks of the Messiah: “Through his suffering, my servant will justify many.”  In the Gospel, Jesus responds to James and John who asked that they might be seated at his side in glory, “Can you drink the cup that I will drink or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?”  Jesus refers to the suffering he knows he will have to face.  In these readings, suffering takes on the sense of sacrifice for expiation of sins.  In fact, the suffering Jesus refers to comes as a consequence of his being faithful to the truth, of being committed to right injustices and defend the poor. Jesus suffered because he challenged those in power to reform their ways and to be compassionate; this suffering is also sacrifice.

Today, we speak of domestic violence because October is Domestic Violence Prevention Month. Many times, victims of domestic violence, principally women, mistakenly believe they must endure their suffering as Jesus did.  It is their cross.  We need to correct this notion, because we believe that God does not want anyone to suffer.

Oct 25: Jeremiah and Jesus

In our first reading God speaks through Jeremiah to reassure the people of Israel that he will rescue them from their exile in Babylonia. “They departed in tears, but I will console them and guide them.” In the Gospel, Jesus hears the cry of the Bartimaeus, the blind man begging by the roadside.  Many rebuked the man, but Jesus heard his cry and cured him.

October is Domestic Violence Prevention Month, and today we reflect on the tears of so many women and children who suffer, often in secret, from devastating abuse in their homes. They too cry out to God and to us, but too often we do not hear them. Today we want to reflect on victims of domestic violence and how we as followers of Christ and members of his church must respond to the cries of so many victims of domestic.

Body of Homily

When we examine the statistics about domestic violence, it is surprising to learn how common it is.  Most victims try to hide their abuse from family and friends, and even their doctor and priest.  They suffer in secret, behind closed doors, often embarrassed by their abuse.

In fact, domestic violence is rampant in our society.  The statistics prove it is of epidemic proportions. 

-Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in the United States. 

- 1 in 3 or 4 women (30%) is battered once in her life time.  Imagine 1 out of every 4     women has been beaten.  That means it’s an epidemic.  

- Annually, more than 4,000 men murder their intimate partners.

- While 58,000 US soldiers died in Vietnam, 54,000 women were killed by their partners

in the US 

- Certainly, some men are abused, but at least 95% of the victims of domestic abuse are            women. 

Additional information

- Each year, 4 million men in America physically abuse their intimate partners. 

- During pregnancy, 37% (that is 1 in 3) women of every race, class, educational

            background are physically abused.

- Violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44.

- Two in five women (40%) who are murdered are killed by their husbands. 

- Domestic violence results in more injuries that require medical attention than rape, accidents, and muggings combined.

Many women victims of domestic violence are unaware they are victims.  They think their husbands just get angry or are strong-willed; they may excuse a violent outburst because their husbands later apologize and ask for forgiveness. 

Perhaps they are unaware they are victims because their definition of domestic violence only includes physical violence.  In fact, domestic violence is a behavior pattern based on the use of power and control of one person over another.  Abusers use different forms of abuse to exercise their control; it may take the form physical, verbal or emotional, economical and sexual abuse. 

It is commonly thought that domestic violence is more prevalent in certain ethnic communities, such as among Hispanics and Afro Americans.  Social research demonstrates, however, that the incidence of domestic violence is practically the same across ethnic as well as social economic class lines.

Recently the staff of a suburban parish in the Archdiocese of Chicago, which is predominantly white, with some Hispanic and Philippine membership, wanted to assess the problem of domestic violence in their community.  They conducted a survey among their female members. 175 women responded.  

When asked whether they thought domestic violence was a problem among parishioners, 77% said they were not sure; only 9% said it was a very serious problem. Overall, most respondents were unconvinced of the gravity of the problem.  But most understood that domestic violence involves more than physical violence.  More than 90% agreed that name-calling, threats, frequent checking up on their partner and excessive control of their finances were also forms of domestic violence.

However, when asked if they were currently in or had been in an abusive relationship, 63% said never, but nearly 30% said yes they were or had been.  That is nearly 1 in 3 women said they had or were experiencing domestic violence.  When asked what kind of abuse they suffered, 79% said verbal or emotional, 28% physical, and 24% financial.

The conclusion of the survey demonstrates that although the women were unsure whether domestic violence is a problem in the parish, one third identified themselves as victims.  This, of course, would mean that among us here today, we have victims of domestic violence.  Our heart goes out to you in your pain and suffering.  We want to extend to you our concern and offer our support for you in your struggle to free yourselves from violence.

Domestic violence often takes the form of economic control, especially in cases where the woman works at home. She has no income and has to ask, if not plead, for every penny she needs for the household and children.  The abuser demands full accountability and continues to belittle her as financially irresponsible and not to be trusted with money.

Sexual abuse is common also, notably hen men demand their wives watch pornography, or engage in activity or wear clothes the women find offensive.  Some even force their wives to have sex, which is actually rape.

STORY

Domestic violence is learned behavior, meaning it is not genetic.  Since it is learned, it can be unlearned or changed. But male abusers do not easily abandon their violent ways.  They need to be challenged and held accountable for their actions.  

Some abusers will excuse themselves by blaming alcohol or drugs, or perhaps they claim it’s the stress that makes them violent or the abuse they suffered as children.  All these factors may very well aggravate their violence but they are not the cause.

Some men even blame their victims, claiming that if their partners were better wives or house keepers, better mothers or more responsible, they themselves wouldn’t get so mad.  Basically they are blaming the victim, when the real reason for their abuse is their desire to exercise power and control over their partner.

After severe episodes of violence, whether beatings, yelling or threats, abusers generally become remorseful. They apologize and ask for forgiveness while at the same time blaming the victims for having caused the violence they themselves perpetrated.  This is called the honeymoon stage and it is highly unlikely to continue.  The change of mood, however, confuses the victim, as she begins to think he might change.  In fact, abusers rarely change.  Soon the tension will begin to build again as he pursues his goal of maintain complete power and control.  Abusers will not change until they are held accountable for their violence.

Most women victims of domestic violence struggle to liberate themselves from their abuser. But it’s difficult to accomplish.  Often we don’t understand why they just don’t pick up and leave their abusers. But it is not easy.  Let’s review some reasons why women victims do not leave.

1. First of all, there is economic dependence.  Many women victims do not believe they can survive on their own.  Perhaps they have never worked, or what they earn, is not nearly enough to support themselves and their children.  They need to suffer the violence in order to survive economically.

2. Many women are embarrassed by their abuse. They don’t want anyone to know, so it is better to stay with the abuser than leave.  Maybe their fathers had warned them about their boyfriends.  Since they married them anyway, they now have to accept the consequences. They made their bed, and now they have to lie in it.

3. Perhaps the woman has internalized the abuse to such an extent that she believes all the insults her abuser levels at her.  She doubts herself or begins believing she is incompetent, useless, unable to earn or manage money, and even ugly and unpleasing to anyone.  She even might conclude that she could never survive without her abuser. Her self confidence and self esteem are destroyed; she feels worthless.

4. Some women are terrified to leave their partners because they have threatened to harm them if they did.  I have heard of a woman whose husband told her on Thanksgiving Day that if she ever left him, he would kill her.  Every year afterwards, when she celebrated Thanksgiving, she remembered the threat and renewed her commitment not to upset him.  After all, he was a police officer and had a gun in the house.

5. Because some women know their children love their father, who is kind to them though not to her.  The women don’t want to separate their children from their father, and so they stay for the children’s sake.  He may even promote the children’s affection for him as a way to insure that she will not leave him. 

But, raising children in a violent home is one of the worst things a parent can do for her children.  The small boys learn from their fathers how to abuse women, and the girls learn how to be submissive and accept abuse.

6. Many women want to leave but they have nowhere to go.  Their families encourage them to stay and give their husband another chance.  Even though they may fear for their lives, they don’t know where to turn.  The idea of going to a shelter scares them too much.

7. Some women stay with their abusive spouses because they love them and are committed to reforming them.  They constantly forgive them and give them another chance.  I know women who have lived a cycle of abuse, forgiveness and a return to abuse over and over again for as long as 30 years before they finally said “that’s enough.”  Many of these women feel so responsible for their husbands that they would feel guilty if they would leave them.  But in fact, just like an alcoholic, an abuser needs to be confronted, not enabled, in order to change his violent ways. 

8. Some women believe that because they were married in the church, they cannot separate themselves from their abusive husbands.  Their partners may even remind them, that because they are religious and believe in God, they cannot leave.

Often their mothers were abused, and they tell their daughters, “I had to carry my cross and not it is your turn to carry yours.” This explanation is, of course, totally mistaken.  God does not want anyone to live in violence, much less women and children. 

The commitment to the indissolubility of marriage does not imply subjecting oneself to violence.  Christ came to free us from sin and violence.  I have had women who have separated themselves from their violent husbands ask me if they can go to Communion.  I tell them, of course, they can.  They are not sinners, but valiant women who have freed themselves and their children from oppression.  They need the Body and Blood of Christ to gain strength in their pain and resolve.  

Unfortunately, our church has in some ways been complicit in this epidemic of domestic violence.  We have not spoken out against it very well.  I am sure very few of you have ever heard a sermon about domestic violence. (Those who have can raise their hands.)  Until 15 years ago, I didn’t speak about it myself.  Someone had to make me aware of the problem.  

We have preached plenty about the permanency of marriage but hardly at all that no one deserves to be abused and that no one should stay in an abusive relationship.  Certainly abusers are quick to quote scripture to justify their power and control.  They distort the Word by insisting women were created to serve men and that wives must be subject to their husbands. 

Today as we hear our scriptures, we must set the record straight.  The church rejects all forms of domestic violence and urges women to protect themselves and their children, even if that means a separation and divorce from their abusers.  Our church must help to protect them and assist them in freeing themselves from the violence.

As a community of faith we want to reach out to every victim of domestic violence. We encourage you to come out of the shadows and seek help.  We want to support you in your struggle for peace.  We want you to be safe and free, filled with love, joy and hope for the future.

Many of us here today know someone who is experiencing domestic violence.  We need to assure them they do not deserve such abuse.  Tell them you are concerned about their safety and their children’s and they have a right to be safe.  We need to listen to them and respect their decisions, but assure them that we will support them whenever they decide to leave their abuser.

May our community and our church be recognized as a safe haven for those who suffer domestic violence.   As Jesus expressed his compassion for the poor and oppressed, including the women of his time, may we be seen as compassionate people ready to help victims of domestic violence free themselves from their pain and suffering.

Conclusion:  Return to make connection to scripture.

Story:  At some point in the homily, the preacher should add a personal story of a woman victim of domestic violence. Here is a sample:

A woman came to see me last week.  She asked me to talk to her husband because he was drinking a lot.  I asked her how he was treating her.  “Not well,” she said.  “Does he use bad language on you?”  “Yes,” she replied.  “What words

 does he use?”  “He calls me stupid and even worse names,” which I can’t mention in the pulpit.  “Does he hit you?”  “No, not recently.”  “How long ago did he hit you?”  “Three months ago.”  “How did he hit you?”  “With his fist, but he apologized the next day and hasn’t hit me since. “Does your family know about this?”  “No, I am ashamed to tell them.”  “Do you have anyone to talk to or support you?” “No” she said.   “Well,” I said, “you don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I want to support you.  I’ll bet you don’t feel very good about yourself, do you?”  “No,” she said.  “Well, I want you to talk to a counselor to build up your self-esteem and make you strong enough so you can confront your husband and figure out whether you will stay with him or free yourself from this terrible abuse.  If your husband wants to talk to me, I would be happy to.” 

Another story:  “A man called and asked me to meet with him and his wife because they were having problems.  When we met, he immediately began to accuse his wife of infidelity.  “Every time we go out, she is looking at other women.  And just last week when I came home from work, I found the back door open. I know she had a man in the house.”  I asked the husband to step out for a minute and talked to his wife alone.  I asked her if he had always been this jealousy.  “Oh, yes, Father.  We have been married for ten years, and we have three children, it’s always the same.”   I asked her whether during the dating he was also jealous. “Yes, he was. I thought the jealousy would disappear when we married because he would be together most of the time.  But, in fact, nothing changed.”  In fact, jealousy was not the issue at hand but rather its use as a form of control over her.  “Has he ever hit you?” I asked.  “Yes, she said, but not but not for a while.”  “How long ago was the last time?” I asked.  “About three months ago.”  I asked if she worked, and she said he won’t let her.  I asked if she has enough money for the household, and she answered that he doles out money very stingily; she always has to beg for it.  “Does he call you bad names or use bad language with you?”  “Father,” she said, “I can‘t mention the words he uses on me, there so bad.”  This woman is a victim of domestic violence in a number of ways: physical, emotional and economic.